he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize