Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
