im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
