If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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