Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
