My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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