I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
