i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize