the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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