i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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