Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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