I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
