So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
