the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
time to smoke my breakfast
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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