look no pants
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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