go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
