Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
