so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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