I wannas sexs uuuuu
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We had to coat check the pizza.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
