I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
