Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
