Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
