If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
