Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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