I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
