Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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