Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
