I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
