she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
