I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
