oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
