The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
