never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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