Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize