literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
