I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
