I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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