sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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