What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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