I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
she smelled like a LAN party
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
