what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
