I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
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