No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
