he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
