Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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