i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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