I think I am morally bankrupt
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Randomize