my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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