I hate your face
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
