Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
