Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
