His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
