Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
