i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
