So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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