drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
