So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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