Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
